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Redneck
A redneck is the embodiment of all that is great about America. Culture Rednecks are true Americans. They built America with their bare hands. They go to church daily (because Jesus loves America more than the rest of the world). They are also discriminated against by city slickers, liberals, grouchy history teachers, and Non-Americans. (See: foreigners). The Rednecks are also direct descendants of God ever since Jehovah Redneck came to their holy land Arkansas and gave birth to them himself since He's so great He doesn't need a woman to make children. The Rednecks have also been greatly oppressed in this country. They are hated by the liberals, atheists, and all other America Haters. Rednecks are now trying to get a foothold in Canada, but they have been harassed by the hippie liberals and God-hating Canadians. How The Rednecks Have Suffered Their oppressions are numerous but include: Forced from their home land into trailer parks. Worse still, trailer parks are being turned into metrosexual/liberal condos in many parts of this great country. Soon herds of displaced rednecks will be forced to roam the country, foraging for cheap beer, porn, and guns. Ultimately they could be deemed a "nuisance" by rich Democrats and culled. Unequal Education Arkansas, a major cultural center for redneckism, has the lowest literacy rate in America. Surely this travesty has much to do with the vast left-wing conspiracy holding back the searing collective intellect of the redneck. Forced Labor You've all heard about Rednecks making moonshine, well that's not all they make. Their evil liberal and environmentalist overlords force them to produce beer, wine, champagne, and other forms of alcohol that regular Americans enjoy for such cheap prices. And do the rednecks benefit at all from this profit? Hell NO!!!, all the money is unfairly taken away from them and used to fund the Democrat Party. Satanic Publicity America is being forced to listen to unfunny comedians like Jeff Foxworthy who only spew rubbish and hatred towards the redneck . Stereotypation There's way to many stereotypes of rednecks going around about them being stupid and inbreeding, which are absolutely not true. Rednecks are really a proud and special race, chosen by God to be his chosen people. Destruction of Their Holy Temple . Long ago the Redneck King Floyd (Under the command of God) built a mighty and beautiful temple to serve as the center of religious activity for the redneck nation. All the rednecks loved and cherished their temple and would all gather together to worship God at this holy place, but later the Holy Temple was burned down by evil liberals and the red nation was devastated by the loss of their most holy relic. Many rednecks want to rebuild their temple but they can't because the Dome Of The Clinton now stands where their holy temple once stood. In order to rebuild they'd have to tear down the Dome, but doing so would create a massive war between them and the liberals. In the mean time, rednecks instead go to the Reynolds Razorback Football Stadium to conduct their holy worship, and it will remain this way until their Holy Temple is rebuilt or if the Razorback Stadium is also destroyed by the God-Hating liberals. The Illegal Sex Trade Now lets face it, redneck women are just plain hot. And any man who sees one instantly wants to "git 'er done". That's why all those sick, twisted UN perverts keep coming to Arkansas and raiding their villages and stealing their women and children. After kidnapping them, the UN sickos then use the captured rednecks to fulfill their every wish and desire that they can possibly think of. Ain't they sick! Then once they get tired of them and find new redneck women and children to terrorize, they then ship them south of the border to Mexico where the poor rednecks get their lives controlled and dictated by evil Mexican Pimps and Drug Lords. But don't worry, for it is prophesied in the Bible that a new redneck named Billy-Bob-Moses and his trusty dog Old Yeller will one day rise up against Pimps and Drug Lords and lead his people to freedom. He will have a magical wooden stick given to him by God when God came to him in a burning bush of marijuana and the stick will be able to turn into a Chevrolet Corvette , and with the stick Billy-Bob-Moses will be able to do many miracles to rescue his people, including dividing the waters of the Gulf of Mexico so that the rednecks can walk across safely over to America and escape from the evil Mexican Drug Lord's army. Contributions Rednecks Have Made To Society The Truth is that Rednecks are truly intelligent and special people. (God purposely made them that way) Without them we wouldn't be able to live the great lifestyle that we do today. Their contributions are enormous and as numerous as the stars themselves but their most important ones are: # Firearms. Now thats important to all rednecks, they need them to protect themselves because you never know when a stupid liberal, grouchy history teacher, or a UN pervert might come crawling around. # Nascar. But not just Nascar itself, but the entire automobile industry can be associated with the Rednecks #George W. Bush. Enough said. #The True English Language. Not to be confused American English or British English, this is the original English which sadly is now only still spoken in the South. #Bill Clinton. But the rednecks are deeply ashamed of this and truly regret it . Bill is nothing but a traitor who chose to join sides with the liberals and the rednecks have shunned him from their society. #Alcohol. This shouldn't be confused with all the negative side effects though. Because rednecks are smart people and know not to over drink. But this really isn't a problem for them though since they are better than everyone else in that God made them genetically immune to all the side effects of alcohol. So they can safely drink as much as they want and not have a single care in the world about getting drunk. #Lynyrd Skynyrd. A true example of redneck intelligence and talent at work. #Border Patrol. After losing so many of their women and children to the Mexican Pimps and Drug Lords, the rednecks have sworn to fight against them in whatever way they can. #The Holy Bible. This is the inspired word of God, which was recorded by the rednecks after God spoke it them. #Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and all other famous legal documents. Only the genius of a redneck mind could have ever created this stuff. Your history teachers at school may tell you otherwise and say that it was people like Thomas Jefferson who wrote these things. But don't listen to them, they're just liars and are part of the ACLU, which means that they're out to get you. The truth is that Thomas Jefferson and the other people that the evil AHTU (American History Teachers Union) claim wrote these things were indeed good people who truly loved their country, but they did not write these things. Instead they plagiarized them from ancient redneck documents. #Legislation against Plagiarism. The rednecks were pretty pissed off after having some of their most greatest work plagiarized by Thomas Jefferson. (Read contribution number 10 for more details) #Heterosexuality. The rednecks were smart and knew that it's important for men and women to get married and then have babies, or else the human race wouldn't continue to exist anymore. #Superb Parenting Techniques. Unlike most children in America, redneck children are never rude, they don't talk back to grown ups, and they aren't drugged up on Ritalin. This is all because of the redneck parents' "Kick the kid's ass" philosophy. Without it, their kids wouldn't grow up to be the fine respectable individuals which they are today. #Walmart. Walmart is all that still remains of the once mighty Holy Redneck Empire. Today it lies dormant waiting for the arrival of its new master who with the power of Walmart will lead the rednecks and the rest of the world in the final battle against the dark forces of the Antichrist. Misconceptions About The Redneck Throughout history there have been many lies and myths created by the liberals in order to bring shame and embarrassment towards the Rednecks. In order to truly understand the redneck, it is important that one be able to identify and see through these lies. Some of the major misconceptions about rednecks are: #Involvement With The Confederacy. It is important to know that the rednecks never had anything to do with the Confederate States of America. The real Confederacy was actually the ACLU (American Confederate Lawyers Union) bent on their plan to conquer and corrupt America. After losing the war, the ACLU then framed the rednecks so that they (the ACLU)wouldn't get in trouble for their actions. The rednecks just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. It is also important to note that the rednecks fought against the Confederacy during the Civil War and President Lincoln himself was a redneck. One thing that should be noted about the Civil War though is even though the Confederacy (ACLU) lost, they haven't given up. They merely realized that they can't take America by force (because we're too tough), but the ACLU instead has redirected their strategy to corrupt America through the legal front instead of the war front, so it is still important for all true Americans to continue to fight the ACLU in the court system whenever and wherever they arrise. #The Confederate Flag. In framing the rednecks, the ACLU even went as far as to steal the symbol of Redneck Pride and use it as the flag of the Confederacy. That's right, the confederate flag originally never really had anything to do with the Confederacy or slavery. Originally it was known to the rednecks as the Dixie, and if you rotate it 45 degrees you'll notice that it forms a cross, which is a symbol of their religion. But the ACLU purposely stole this symbol and used it for their evil purposes in order to villainize the rednecks and make them look bad. So if you're ever in the South and see a Dixie, it is important that you know that its really about the pride of being a red man (or woman), a symbol for Jesus, and it has nothing to do with Slavery or the Confederacy. How to Spot a Redneck * Owns a four-wheel drive pickup. * Only drinks Busch, Bud Light or Natural Light. * Has more cars in his front yard that don't run than cars that do run. * Has a gun rack and/or Rebel Flag in the back of his truck. * Knows every word to "Folsom Prison Blues" * Has a Mullet * Doesn't know the rules of grammar or punctuation. * Smokes Marlboro Reds on alternating Fridays. * Smokes American Spirit Cigarettes the rest of the time. (Soft-pack Only) * Regularly sits in a lawn chair in his driveway or dirt access route. * Loves to say or hear the words "you might be a redneck if..." External Links * The Great Library of Alexandria * Are you white trash? Take the test!